I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
