If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
