normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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