I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
