Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
