I accidentally had phone sex last night
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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