He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
