There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
