She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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