Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I came so hard my ears popped.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
