Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
