I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize