Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
