i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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