My friends, they love my intelligence
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
