When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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