My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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