I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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