the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
