Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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