i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
