I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize