I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
