you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
