his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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