I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
