I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
