Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
