you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
