A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
