The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
