I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
