yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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