I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
