How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
