At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize