dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
