I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
