i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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