See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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