I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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