I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
