you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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