i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
