you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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