My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
