I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
