I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
