a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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