Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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