He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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