Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
