I accidentally burped into my bong.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If I die, sorry about rent.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
