i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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