just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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