I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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