she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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