im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I looked at my own cervix.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
