ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
