You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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