It was confusing and full of hummus
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
