I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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