Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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